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Haven't had a messed up mood like this in ages... Haven't slept for days... I miss my grandpa... I miss him really bad =[[

I wanted to stay home and I wanted to come back in the same time... It was okay at home but I missed London... Now I'm here and I am so pissed off that I didn't stay for another week at least... Now I miss my Mom and Grandma and the rest of my family and friends... I have to send the application folder to the uni next week... There is a slight chance that I screw that up too and then I don't have a plan B so again I feel like I want to run out of this world...

I know I I I, it sounds like it's all about me... if I feel rotten all the rest of the world should feel rotten or if not so, at least everyone should try to cheer me up for crying out loud so that I can be myself again! I never felt more lonely than now... Yet strangely I don't want to socialize with anyone...

There was just one thing I could do... listen to music on my iPod while I was on the bus from the airport and make up silly little scenes in my head which cheered me up for a few seconds... I love tunnels, even the short ones under the motorway sections with the little yellow lights... for a few seconds it feels like it's nighttime and that I am some kind of a jamesbondish character who is in the middle of some action moment... and then the planes take off and they dissapear in the sun for a fraction of a second and then they speed up... it is so dynamic and I always play some hardcore music during these sequences or sometimes just Placebo or Portishead or something really chill. Today was a hardcore kind of theme song day.

Okay then, hope that everyone has at least a half as a crappy day as I do!

Love,

S.